Testing, Testing…

Another cycle, another no-go. Provera extended my cycle by 9 days, then my period was 2.5 days long. I had the smallest bit of hope when I had light pink spotting and minimal cramps, but that hope diminished 2 days later when it was a heavier flow. But, the tiniest shred of hope was still there. I really wanted to surprise my dad by telling him that I was pregnant on his birthday, but I tested before calling him and it was negative.

So once my very short period ended, I called my doctor and finally scheduled a saline sonogram. My doc recommended that I get one a few months ago after my HSG because my uterus didn’t fill all the way but she wasn’t sure why. The saline sonogram would show why it didn’t fill.

I got to the radiology clinic and my mind was spinning regarding what would happen. The HSG was uncomfortable because of the catheter insertion and because I started spasming. I had my fingers crossed that it wouldn’t happen again for the sonogram, and I had hoped that the sonogram would be less invasive. After being called back, I had to empty my bladder and then lay on a padded table with a soft block on it. I had to put my butt on the block in order to have a transvaginal ultrasound done. That was very uncomfortable, but the worse was yet to come.

The doctor came in and used a speculum to scrape cervical cells, which I’m used to due to pap smears. Then she inserted the catheter to inject the saline, which was incredibly painful. I wish that I was told to take some pain reliever, just like when I got the HSG. I tried toughing it out but I wanted to cry. And vomit. The procedure made me nauseous and I ended up spitting up in the trash can after everyone left and I was getting dressed. On the way to work, I pulled over due to nausea, and felt nauseous for most of the day. I called my doctor during my lunch break at work and she said that was common. Something else I wish I was warned about. I texted DH and told him that this was end of fertility testing. If we continue struggling with fertility then maybe kids aren’t in the plan. And I’m fine with that. We’ll go about our business. My self-worth isn’t based on my ability to have children.

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Time to Pretend

This weekend was AMAZING! I went to a craft brew fest with DH and had a boozy brunch with my ladies. The weekend’s activities made me realize that maybe I don’t want kids after all. It was fun only being somewhat responsible and doing whatever I wanted. While sitting with the ladies at brunch I thought about what a literal buzzkill it would be to have to schedule my time around a needy person (besides DH -I kid, I kid!). I’m in my late 20s and I feel some pangs of motherhood, but lately I’ve been having too much damn fun to settle down. Maybe when I’m in my 30s I’ll be ready for baby but right now I can’t imagine being pregnant.

This is not to say I’ll be upset if I’m pregnant. Not at all! Buuuuut, if I’m not I’ll be fine. My period is due in 3 days so I guess we’ll see what happens!