Just Keep Running

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope you all had a nice holiday. DH and I visited my family and it was great spending time with them. I’m feeling recharged, especially after a HECTIC 2 weeks at work. As a side note, I’m glad that the holidays have worked out well for DH and I. His folks traditionally go north for Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving is one of the few times a year that all of my family get together. Traditionally my family spends Christmas at home, and we go to my in-laws for Christmas.

Anyway, nothing new on the baby front. I realized about a week ago that I booked my appointment to get my eggs checked 2 months out instead of a month (math was never my strong suit). We’ll see in 4 days if I need to keep that appointment.

There is news on the cat front though. DH and I decided to adopt 2 kittens after Christmas. My brother and his girlfriend just adopted one and after seeing some of the photos and video of their kitten I realized how much I missed having a fuzzball around. We are getting 2 so that they have a playmate while we’re gone. Our last cat had some behavior issues that could have been linked to us not being home a whole lot due to work. Although I’m pretty sure he slept most of the day. It’s been hard resisting adopting a cat before Christmas, but then I remember how our last cat kept climbing the tree, knocking down ornaments, and urinating on the tree skirt.

DH and I have also decided to move (again!) next year, but to a different apartment in our building. We absolutely love where we live right now and we’re in no rush to buy a house. We want to save for a sizeable down payment and I’m not sure how long I want to stay at my current job. I get bored with routine but it’s been awesome having a short commute.

On an unrelated point, I think I mentioned previously that I’ve gotten into running with DH. I use the Map My Run app to log my routes and times. I’m at just under a 14 minute mile as of today, which is about 2 minutes faster than when I started over the summer. However, last month I hit a personal record of a 12:37 minute mile. I was getting closer to that number today but my allergies have been off the wall and I was mentally struggling. Not sure what exactly was going on but I was having a hard time focusing. I definitely get more mileage running outside than running on a treadmill, which really motivated me to get into running after discovering that. Other things that I have found are that shoes make a huge difference. I gave myself an early Christmas present of 2 pairs of running shoes and they have been fantastic. My goal is to work up to running 10 miles a week and doing my first 5k early next year. I’m running close to that once a week now but I want to be able to consistently run that distance without stopping. Right now I can go about 3/4 of a mile without stopping. Since October 30 I’ve run close to 21 1/2 miles!

In addition to the running, I decided last week (as in the day after Thanksgiving) that I needed to further rein in my eating. Normally I eat fairly healthy but I also get sidetracked by love of dark beer and carbs. So, to counter that I am going to make a weekly meal plan that is realistic but keeps me disciplined. For example, one of the days this week I’ll have a bowl of Kashi cereal with almond milk (pre-workout breakfast), 2, scrambled eggs with veggies (post-workout breakfast), salad loaded with more veggies and a boiled egg (lunch), Kind bar (afternoon snack), and portabello mushrooms stuffed with mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce (dinner). I also need to drink way more water since I’m so bad about that. I’m hopeful that this grand experiment will go well and I’d like to lose 5 pounds by Christmas. The hardest part for me will be limiting my beer intake (one of the negative aspects of living near a dozen breweries in a 10 mile radius) but success will taste much sweeter.

Advertisements

Going Home

Last week was pretty busy. DH and I celebrated a wedding anniversary and we drove across the state to visit my family. It was awesome being back home and around my siblings and parents. I refilled my Clomid 50 prescription before the trip and took it while we were away. While my dad and DH were talking nerd shit in the garage, mom asked me about how things were going with trying for a baby. I was honest and let her know that we were still struggling.

My mom is forever the optimist so when I said something like “if we have kids” while at the breakfast table, she corrected me and said “when you have kids.” My mom is an amazing woman and we are close, but I felt a bit of a pang after that since nothing has happened in almost 2 years.

A lot of things baby-related went through my mind over the weekend. I’m not sure why, but more than ever I feel like we are ready for a child, even though space is rather tight in our apartment. We’re even transitioning into grown up furniture so our it looks less like we live in an IKEA show room. Nothing wrong with IKEA, but it’d be nice to furniture that doesn’t wobble when moved. We even bought a house plant! By the way, I never knew how much a house plant was a decor game changer.

Anyway, back to the weekend. Energy wise I was pretty wiped from the Clomid and going out with my siblings. We went running Saturday morning but I was struggling hard. I think it was because we didn’t have much of a route and we were running into the wind. That sucked. We only went half the normal distance, which was disappointing but at least we did it. I felt frustrated because it felt like I couldn’t run well due to Clomid, and I was on Clomid because my body can’t support a baby on its own.

However, I have a potential theory. I think I ovulate way early. Based on my cervical mucus lately and some other physical things, this could partly explain why we’ve been struggling. We’ll see how this cycle goes but I’ll keep my appointment to get my eggs checked next month. My next period is supposed to start Christmas weekend. My body has the best timing ever.

Let’s Chat

The number of women I know who are currently pregnant: 7

I’m not one of them.

It was an interesting, exhausting weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with some cramping but had the smallest shard of hope that it could be implantation cramping. DH and I went running and while I was out, I started getting frustrated. My body was tired. I was hoping that if my body couldn’t support a kid, at least it could keep my legs moving. My time was slower than last week but my pace was just off a minute. Anyway, we of course passed a bunch of kids in strollers and I started to tear up. Thank God for sunglasses. DH didn’t notice and I tried to keep it together for the rest of the run. We did almost 4 and 1/2 miles. After the run, I was out of commission for a good part of the day due to cramps and feeling generally exhausted. At this time, I peed and wiped and there was some brownish spotting.

There’s an old Simpsons episode where Lisa becomes vegetarian. Her family is having a barbecue and in protest, she pushes a pig prepped for barbecue down a hill. Homer runs after it, saying “it’s still good! It’s still good!” The pig flies through the air, hits all kinds of stuff, while Homer continues to declare that it’s still good. Finally, the pig gets lodged in a dam and after enough pressure builds, it shoots out of the dam. Homer declares that it’s gone. Even when I had increased cramps and brown spotting, like Homer I declared “It’s still possible! It’s still possible!”

Saturday night, red tide rolled in, where my hopes were dashed. I felt like Homer again, when the pig is launched to who knows where. Except this feeling has happened every month for the last 18 months.

We went out with friends Saturday night and that was a nice distraction. Things weren’t so nice Sunday morning. I was pretty crampy and feeling sick, but DH and I went for a long walk. On that walk, I felt frustrated again due to another failed attempt at getting pregnant. I opened up to DH and told him that if I didn’t get pregnant by the end of next year that I wanted to stop trying. It was getting too difficult for me emotionally to deal with so much effort with no payoff. I told him about the extent of my frustration, about having to make specifically timed doctor’s appointments, get multiple tests done, and take medicine, just to name a few triggers. However, I was most nervous about asking him a question in particular:

” Is having kids still a deal breaker?”

For context, going into this relationship we both wanted kids. At this point though, it’s really taking a toll on my well-being.

DH is a textbook people pleaser, although he’s gotten a bit better. I asked him directly about what he wanted to do regarding kids. He suggested adopting. I objected, stating that I had a terrible mindset about adopting at the moment. As a side note, adoption is awesome and those who do adopt are amazing people. With that said, I told DH that to me adopting a child is a reminder that I couldn’t birth my own child and adopting a kid is like a consolation prize. I told DH that my mind could change but as it stood (and still stands) I couldn’t do it. I was damn near bawling my eyes out at this point (again, thank God for sunglasses). DH was obviously disappointed but said he would support whatever decision I made as long as I remained open with him. He then asked what we would do with the money we would have spent on our own kids. I said we could donate to children’s causes or create funds for our nieces and nephews. He was on board with that. We went out with friends later and I drowned my sorrows in delicious, strong beer.

That brings us to today. Still feeling sick but I managed to crawl to work. While at work, I peaked at my social media account and saw that an old friend was pregnant with child #2. I do still care for her but I felt my “Congratulations!!!!” felt more artificial with each exclamation point. I called my doctor later to schedule an appointment. My doctor’s receptionist said I had to get my eggs checked on day 3 of my cycle. Which is today. I already struggled to get to work so there was no way I could drag my ass back to Seventh Circle of Hell. Luckily my doctor gave me a refill of Clomid last visit so I’ll do a second round this cycle. I already made an appointment with Seventh Circle of Hell lab for next month to get my eggs checked.

So I don’t know at this point. Pregnancy seems like less and less likely as each month goes by. And I’ll just experience motherhood vicariously through my friends and family who seemingly get pregnant effortlessly. I’m genuinely happy for the women I know who are having kids. It’s just really really really really tough right now.

At least my fantasy football team finally won this week.

All the Feels

Gah I’m so annoyed. I’ve been crampy the last 2 days and I’m worried that I’m about to get my period. It’s due tomorrow. Part of me feels superstitious, as in if I tell people that something good is about to happen then it won’t happen. Like I’ll feel like a let down if I say something. I feel like I shouldn’t have told friends that DH and I are still trying after almost 2 years. Maybe if I stop being optimistic about pregnancy I won’t be so disappointed every 28ish days.

I’ve been surrounded by baby news at work and within our family, which hasn’t helped my general mood. I’m cranky and tired and so over this. I don’t understand how it’s so effortless for some women to get pregnant, but it’s such an expensive and time consuming endeavor for us. And emotionally draining for me.

I hate this. I hate this whole process. I hate taking pills, being poked and prodded and scraped. All this feels like a huge wasted effort. Sadly I wish I knew if it was even possible for me to get pregnant so I can get on with life. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO GET PREGNANT

Isn’t It Ironic, Dontchathink?

I just looked at my stats and it shows that I started this blog 9 months ago. A little ironic.

Anyway.

A lot has happened since I last made an entry. I’m so bad with updating this thing.

I saw Dr. Q. My hormone levels were fine (including my progesterone -screw you Dr. W). I didn’t get pregnant last cycle, so I went back to the doc 3 days after my period started. It was a little concerning that the doctor I was seeing that day (we’ll call her Dr. P) didn’t really know why I was there (Dr. Q wasn’t in that day but asked that I come in on day 3 of my cycle). I said I had to get my eggs checked or something like that and Dr. P said I had to go across the street to Seventh Circle of Hell Lab to get samples of my eggs to check them out. This is a work day, mind you, and I don’t have time for this. But I go regardless. I open the door and there were a good 20 people there. In line. With another 20-30 waiting to be seen. I really really don’t have time for this. During the 30 seconds I’m in line, I checked to see when the next available appointment was. 4 hours from then. I took off, treated ma’self to a grande caramel somethingorother from Starbucks, and headed to work.

At the end of that week, DH and I went out of town to visit friends and family and to celebrate my birthday. It was nice to get out of the state for a few days and just be in a different environment. During this time, I started Clomid, 50 mg. Dr. Q said he would put me on a higher dose if things don’t work out. We had sex on the scheduled cycle days (it’s really odd to schedule it, but whatever). We’re currently in the glorious 2 week wait window.

Things have been a bit strange. For one, my mood has been swinging more than a blind boxer. For two, over the weekend I had some vaginal dryness that I partly attributed to our beach trip, but it hasn’t been anything like this before. Today I had some thick discharge and my lower back hurts. Normally this doesn’t happen until the day before my period starts, but I’m 3-4 days out. Not to say my period hasn’t come early before. But I feel out of sorts. I had started feeling that way too soon after I finished Clomid. Other symptoms include major fatigue, to the point that I felt I hadn’t slept in days. Thank God we bought the Bustelo party size container.

Now that my birthday is over, I feel a bit more ready to slow down for 9 months. Although this would mean I’d have a kid in the summer. Ugh. #HotAF