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The number of women I know who are currently pregnant: 7

I’m not one of them.

It was an interesting, exhausting weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with some cramping but had the smallest shard of hope that it could be implantation cramping. DH and I went running and while I was out, I started getting frustrated. My body was tired. I was hoping that if my body couldn’t support a kid, at least it could keep my legs moving. My time was slower than last week but my pace was just off a minute. Anyway, we of course passed a bunch of kids in strollers and I started to tear up. Thank God for sunglasses. DH didn’t notice and I tried to keep it together for the rest of the run. We did almost 4 and 1/2 miles. After the run, I was out of commission for a good part of the day due to cramps and feeling generally exhausted. At this time, I peed and wiped and there was some brownish spotting.

There’s an old Simpsons episode where Lisa becomes vegetarian. Her family is having a barbecue and in protest, she pushes a pig prepped for barbecue down a hill. Homer runs after it, saying “it’s still good! It’s still good!” The pig flies through the air, hits all kinds of stuff, while Homer continues to declare that it’s still good. Finally, the pig gets lodged in a dam and after enough pressure builds, it shoots out of the dam. Homer declares that it’s gone. Even when I had increased cramps and brown spotting, like Homer I declared “It’s still possible! It’s still possible!”

Saturday night, red tide rolled in, where my hopes were dashed. I felt like Homer again, when the pig is launched to who knows where. Except this feeling has happened every month for the last 18 months.

We went out with friends Saturday night and that was a nice distraction. Things weren’t so nice Sunday morning. I was pretty crampy and feeling sick, but DH and I went for a long walk. On that walk, I felt frustrated again due to another failed attempt at getting pregnant. I opened up to DH and told him that if I didn’t get pregnant by the end of next year that I wanted to stop trying. It was getting too difficult for me emotionally to deal with so much effort with no payoff. I told him about the extent of my frustration, about having to make specifically timed doctor’s appointments, get multiple tests done, and take medicine, just to name a few triggers. However, I was most nervous about asking him a question in particular:

” Is having kids still a deal breaker?”

For context, going into this relationship we both wanted kids. At this point though, it’s really taking a toll on my well-being.

DH is a textbook people pleaser, although he’s gotten a bit better. I asked him directly about what he wanted to do regarding kids. He suggested adopting. I objected, stating that I had a terrible mindset about adopting at the moment. As a side note, adoption is awesome and those who do adopt are amazing people. With that said, I told DH that to me adopting a child is a reminder that I couldn’t birth my own child and adopting a kid is like a consolation prize. I told DH that my mind could change but as it stood (and still stands) I couldn’t do it. I was damn near bawling my eyes out at this point (again, thank God for sunglasses). DH was obviously disappointed but said he would support whatever decision I made as long as I remained open with him. He then asked what we would do with the money we would have spent on our own kids. I said we could donate to children’s causes or create funds for our nieces and nephews. He was on board with that. We went out with friends later and I drowned my sorrows in delicious, strong beer.

That brings us to today. Still feeling sick but I managed to crawl to work. While at work, I peaked at my social media account and saw that an old friend was pregnant with child #2. I do still care for her but I felt my “Congratulations!!!!” felt more artificial with each exclamation point. I called my doctor later to schedule an appointment. My doctor’s receptionist said I had to get my eggs checked on day 3 of my cycle. Which is today. I already struggled to get to work so there was no way I could drag my ass back to Seventh Circle of Hell. Luckily my doctor gave me a refill of Clomid last visit so I’ll do a second round this cycle. I already made an appointment with Seventh Circle of Hell lab for next month to get my eggs checked.

So I don’t know at this point. Pregnancy seems like less and less likely as each month goes by. And I’ll just experience motherhood vicariously through my friends and family who seemingly get pregnant effortlessly. I’m genuinely happy for the women I know who are having kids. It’s just really really really really tough right now.

At least my fantasy football team finally won this week.

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