Since You Asked…

Today someone asked if my husband and I planned to have children. To my surprise, I was candid about our struggle to conceive. I talked about how it’s going on 2 years since we started trying, doctor’s visits, meds, all that stuff.

The person I was talking to?

Our accountant. While he was doing our taxes.

I feel like I’m at the point that I don’t feel a need to hide our difficulties with infertility.  I won’t shout from the rooftops that I struggle with infertility but now I feel comfortable talking about it when asked.

I’m kinda proud of myself.

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Marathon

Ugh, I’m so glad this week is over. Work seriously felt like I was running a marathon, to the point that I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful that it was Friday. There are a number of other things too that have kept me running.

First, buckling down on studying for my licensure exam. We’re officially less than a month out now. I’m a little nervous but studying is going alright so far.

Second, started the next round of Clomid. I had a bit of a moment of panic on Tuesday. It was day 3 of my cycle on Monday and I called as instructed the doctor’s refill line. Nothing. Called again Tuesday and informed them that I was late starting the Clomid. After some research it appeared that it was not a big deal but when the nurse called me later, she said I needed to come in to check my hormone levels. That day. It was like 11:30 in the morning and I told I couldn’t leave my job to get that blood test. She said that if the Clomid doesn’t work then I’ll need to be referred to a reproductive specialist. When she said that I felt like the ceiling started caving in. I mean, I knew that would be the next step but hearing it was hard.

Third, I decided to stop running this week. I’m not injured or anything but I wanted to take a week off and do other workouts. I discovered a neat one last week called FitStar* that links to my FitBit and it’s pretty awesome. The 5k is about 3 weeks away but I don’t do well with routine. I’ll take this week to reset or so but will keep active with other activities.

*Not an endorsement of FitStar. Just sayin.

4 am

4 am.

That’s the time I woke up this morning with sharp, stabbing pains. This was apparently my period’s way of announcing itself. I was up for an hour praying for the ibuprofen to kick in at any second. My periods are awful and typically leave me nearly dysfunctional. It makes it all the more frustrating that not only is my period a confirmation that I’m still not pregnant, but also the signal that I will be parked on the couch/bed curled up in pain until the meds work. I’m considering asking my doctor for prescription-level painkillers next cycle if I don’t get pregnant because I can’t imagine doing this monthly for the next 20+ years. I actually went on birth control for 10 years because the pain would be so bad I’d get sick (as in, I couldn’t keep down water for at least 12 hours after my period started) and have to miss school.

As a side note, I have to say it’s pretty cool how intuitive animals are. When I was up waiting for the cramps to subside, the cat jumped on my lap and put her paws on my belly. We’ve had her for almost 2 months now and that’s a first.

Anyway, it’s disheartening to know that this round of Clomid didn’t work. The plan is that I do another round of Clomid 100mg, and if that doesn’t work then try the trigger shot. If that doesn’t work, then do the IUI. And if that doesn’t work, IVF. I draw the line at IUI, depending on the cost. But IVF is mostly out of the question due to expense. I met with a friend today who is going through similar difficulties with getting pregnant and it feels good to know that there is someone who is in the same boat as me. She hasn’t been trying nearly as long but can relate to how I’ve been feeling. She mentioned doing IVF but I’m still on the fence. In addition to the cost, I’m not sure how far I’m willing to go to have a child. While we were talking, I thought about the stages of grief. I feel like I’m in the acceptance stage because it’s appearing that being childless is becoming more of a reality, especially if the second round of Clomid fails.

In the meantime, I’ll try to keep busy and focus on my health. It’s the only thing I can do until Monday, when I call in my next round of Clomid.

How it Burns

I have terrible heart burn right now. It’s been bad since about last Thursday. I’ve had acid reflux for years, even did 2 rounds of omeprazole back in grad school. But it hasn’t been this bad in at least a year. Diet hasn’t changed much, so I wonder if this is pointing to the P word.

Pizza.

I had a few slices last night as part of Superbowl festivities which didn’t help things, of course. I’ve been resistant to taking Tums because the idea of chewing chalk is unappealing, but also feeling like I swallowed a torch isn’t fun either. I’ve taken the store-brand Pepto Bismol inconsistently over the weekend and that hasn’t done much. If it doesn’t subside, I’ll go to my doctor later this week. As a side note, I’ve been having some pelvic cramps and my period is due Sunday. As another side note, when I talked to my mom earlier this evening she suggested that DH and I start looking at day cares. I wonder if she knows something I don’t. Which would be really weird, but typical of my mom. Sometimes I feel like she has some sort of sixth sense.

2.1

Running has gone pretty well this week. I realized that I run better and longer by doing intervals of 5 minutes of running and one minute walking. To compensate a bit, I increased the speed from 4.7 to 5.0. With these adjustments, I’m still near my average pace from the last week but I didn’t feel as winded. I was able to go 2.1 miles before I felt really tired then walked an additional half mile, which is about the longest I’ve gone so far on the treadmill. Race day is about 6 weeks away so starting Sunday I’ll be increasing my distance by 10%. I’m hoping in 2-3 weeks I’ll be able to consistently run a 5k ahead of the race.

So that’s the good news. On the other side of things, my weight has pretty much plateaued even though I’m down just 5 pounds since Christmas. I’ve taken a few steps towards changing, such as working out at least 3 times a week and cutting back on beer. I’m resisting calorie counting because it’s rather tedious and I have an idea for the most part of how many calories are in specific foods. At the same time, I’m an advocate of treating yourself every once in a while.