My period started yesterday morning. I talked to my husband about what to do next and we’re going to stop fertility treatments until April. May will probably be another break since we’re going on vacation for almost a week. We cut it real close last time we went on vacation while in the middle of fertility treatments; I had to do the IUI the day before we flew out when I was supposed to do it the next day.
Anyway, May and actually June and July will be break months too. My brother is getting married next spring and I want to make sure I’m there to
make fun of support him. So it’s April, then August for the next rounds of treatment.
Last night I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant (the count of friends who are pregnant/just gave birth is around 10 now). I’m honestly excited for her and suspected for about a month that she may be pregnant. Even though I’ve said before that I’ve accepted that we’re still struggling, it still stung to hear the news, especially since it’s so soon after my cousin announced her pregnancy. My friend’s announcement set off an avalanche of negative, irrational thoughts which soured the night a bit. For one, I felt she was a little nonchalant about it, which I think I would be too because it’s taken so long to get pregnant. Note that I don’t know if she and her boyfriend planned for this kid or if they have been struggling too, but it’s none of my business either way. For two, she showed us a video of how she announced her pregnancy to her parents over the holidays, which was similar to how I imagined announcing my pregnancy to my parents. Then I thought about how I’ve imagined how I wanted to surprise my husband and my dad for their birthdays (they’re in the same month) with pregnancy news for last 2 years. I even bought a father’s day card for my husband 2 years ago as a way to announce my pregnancy, but I finally gave it to my dad last year for actual father’s day. I was able to bounce back pretty quick last night, thanks to several drinks and plenty of distraction by our other friends.
However, I was hit hard this morning. Back to feelings of inadequacy and questioning what we did wrong. I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking my prenatal vitamins. But we were doing everything else right, and I felt like I’ve been taking these vitamins for years now and they haven’t helped. As the day went on I began feeling better and figured I’d start getting into projects that have fallen to the wayside, such as reading and knitting (ironically, my last knitting project was a baby blanket).
I’m over it all of this, but I need to accept that I’m just at the age that more and more people that I know are having children. I won’t say I’m totally hopeless, but it’s about 90%.