This week was rough. It was such a drag going back to work after Christmas. I was exhausted and unmotivated, but was unsure about where this level of exhaustion came from. I checked our calendar and DH and I haven’t had a weekend to ourselves since November 4. Just about 2 months.
We have tried to block a weekend a month for ourselves, but with recent travel and holidays that got away from us. I think my exhaustion also comes from the whirlwind of the chemical pregnancy. I went to the doctor this week for a sonogram to see if I can proceed with the next round of IUI. Everything looked good and I was put on 150mg of Clomid. That high of a dose is hell on earth (typically it’s 50mg), with the worst part being how it’s affected my mood. Case in point:
The pharmacy I go to was unable to fill my full prescription, so the pharmacist gave me a day’s worth and sent the remainder of my Clomid prescription to another nearby pharmacy (it’s a chain). Went the next day to pick up my meds and when I got home, I realized that the second pharmacy only gave me a day’s supply too. I called them later that day and the tech said it was how the order came from the first pharmacy. I called the first pharmacy the next day while at work and the pharmacist said the second pharmacy should have received my full order, not just 3 pills. She suggested I call Pharmacy 2 to check on my order and I asked her to do the same.
I’m pissed at this point.
I went out for lunch and called the second pharmacy while I was out to ask about the Clomid. I made sure I was crystal clear about what I was supposed to be receiving (3 pills a day for the next 3 days. 3×3 =9 pills, right?) and was promised that it would be filled as expected in an hour.
Dear Husband had a half day at work so I asked him to pick up my prescription on his way home. He sent me a text a short time later.
“There’s only 3 pills.”
Now I’m outraged. I called DH (I’m still at work, mind you) and he said he was still at the pharmacy. I asked him to go back to the counter and put me on speaker so we could figure out what the hell happened. The tech gave the same runaround as before and I read them the riot act. I’m so glad DH picked up my meds because if I were there I would have jumped over the damn counter. After some more bullshit, including a dispute over cost, DH received my full order. And he bought me dinner. He’s the best.
Anyway, I was concerned about my level of rage over the medication. I acknowledge that it was a definitely overreaction but it’s been difficult to keep my mood in check, especially since I work with people all day. It’s tiring. This happened all the other times I took Clomid, but now the effects really feel amplified since I’m taking so much of it.
So after the nonsense of this week I made a few decisions: 1) If this cycle fails, I’m taking at least 2-3 months off from treatments because it has been taking such a mental and physical toll; 2) DH and I really need to prioritize our marriage more. We spend a lot of time together with friends and family, but not as much just us. I think part of that is to distract ourselves from our fertility struggles; and 3) I need to prioritize myself and use personal goals instead of using my desire for a baby as a motivator (e.g., running more frequently so I can get stronger, versus running more frequently so I’ll be at optimal health to carry a child).
We’ve already started putting #2 in place. Earlier this week DH and I decided that we were going to take this weekend to ourselves instead of going through with original plans with friends. We also started planning out the next 6 months and decided to limit ourselves to max of 2 social events a month. It’s going to be hard since DH and I are pretty social people, but it’ll be helpful to figure out more things to do together. Today we went to a park and for a section of it, we were the only 2 people around. The stillness was indescribable and more needed than I realized.
We got lunch afterward and decided that we would spend more time doing things around town, which includes less time at breweries. We have our favorite breweries but there are a few we have wanted to go to but haven’t made it there yet. We talked about going to these bucket-list breweries and not go to our usual spots because we have nothing else planned (plus all the visits tend to add up financially). Going to the park today was great and there a few other parks in the area that want to explore, in addition to other things we’ve wanted to try or haven’t done in a long time. We also discussed spending more time at home working on hobbies (somewhat ironically, we started a jigsaw puzzle featuring beers from around the world).
Once I’m done with this round of Clomid I’m looking forward to really working on personal growth and doing more with DH. It’s all about balance.